Crazy

I enjoy freedom, love, positive and hopeful thinking, and a supportive environment where folks use their postive attributes and skills to share and enhance others lives. I thrive and work my best in this environment. Im also able to give more of myself to others when in an environment of this nature. I generally function this way without thought. And to be perfectly honest I assume and expect others to function the same way. At almost 34 years of age, I'm somewhat ashamed yet kind of appreciate my childlike naivety (its a positive and a negative at times.)

Lately life has been a struggle. Since leaving my past life times have been very rough. However, I've always managed to remain positive and to keep moving forward. I would spend time with my babies and exercise and I would go to work in order to live. I had a few goals in my mind and they have always managed to stay within view so I could see them when intense sadness would hit or guilt would hit. I always, always these last 2 years, bounced back.

Recently a change of events has sent me reeling. Its managed to bring up some pain from my past and in turn has sent me into depression. I can still function but Im not at my best. It has stressed me out. Its affecting my ability to live. Im trying to reconcile it all in my head and through texting my bestfriend but nonetheless I wrestle daily right now.

A person I live with whom Ive extended love to and shared my life with cannot seem to allow me to live in freedom. They have placed what seems like a million expectations (I exaggerate) on me yet refuse to talk to me about any of their wants. They leave and have left little scribbled and vague notes allover the house at times in order to communicate what they feel they need to. Sometimes the notes communicate plans but mostly the notes have communicated issues (in disrespectful verbiage as of late), it seems from my perspective.

The added stress of living with this individual has taken its toll on me. It has brought up feelings in me that I've not felt since living with my family as a child/young teen/young adult. This person and the way they behave is almost my mothers characteristics to a tee, I recognize this. I find this interesting and irritating.

My mother is probably the most disrespectful and illogical person I have ever dealt with. Through many years of counseling sessions, 10+, I and a respected counselor I had have diagnosed my mom with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She seems to fit all the criteria and of course this is my perspective, but I cling to this diagnosis for a couple of reasons. 1) Knowing you are dealing with an irrational, self-absorbed person helps you to remember to keep your business to yourself, especially your true feelings and 2) Perhaps its easier to "shake off" irritating and disrespectful habits they may have and not take them personally. ie. emails that have the intention to make you hurt by ripping you to shreds with hurtful and mean language or vaguely scribbled little notes allover your home. Lastly, 3) Keep your distance, avoid them at all costs. Just because they are unhappy (which is true of the 2 individuals) DO NOT give them the time of day and allow them to bring you down.

This roommate tho has managed to rile me up like my own mother. Ive attempted to discuss the issues with the roommate and to work it out but to be perfectly honest, I just want her gone. What has lead me to these feelings is her overall actions and unwillingness to see any wrong doing she may have had or does have in our living situation and in our interactions. Just like my mom. She recently put her hands on me after I confronted her and that in my opinion is my last straw.

Thinking back to times with my mom, I don't recall her ever touching me after a certain age. She'd uncontrollaby spank me in anger but that only lasted until I think around the age of 13 or something, i can't remember. Her modus operandi was hurtful name calling and character-assassinating words and statements to try to shred me and it usually worked. I recall it would always, always bring me to a deep depression that sometimes made me want to think about dying. I know extreme. But I wanted deeply for everyone to love me and see that I was a good person and a fun and lively, life-lover...especially my mom. I guess I just wanted to be acknowledged by my mom that I was loveable the way I am, nothing more, nothing less.

So this roommate, although they are moving out they will still be in my life due to the relationship they have with the person I'm in love with. I don't know how to handle this entirely yet but I'm thinking it thru tho I will definitely use the three coping strategies that I mentioned above that I have come to with my mother. My Love has affirmed to me that the roommate is crazy and although I know people throw that word around at times to describe others that act crazy, I believe this woman truly does fit the description of "not of sound mind," which in my book means "crazy".

The Downfall of Comparisons

Im so tired. I can't shake it. I look at my body and think, "Girl get with it!" My thighs and ass are not where I want them to be and my momma belly is there. I lost 70lbs in the last 2 years, I know this. So daily I try to talk to myself and argue with myself when those thoughts of self deprecation set in. I've worked hard and continue, but I need to rest. My head is screaming "CHILL BETH!"...just relax, take it easy. But my fears set in! Thoughts of losing my fitness that Ive worked so hard for. Thoughts of gaining weight set in. Thoughts of never feeling good enough or looking good enough set it. Again I talk to myself.

Talking to myself:
Beth you are lovely. You have worked hard. Relax. You don't have to workout an hour every single day to feel worth something. You are worthy. Stop working so hard. You are still learning and growing and moving forward. You have wonderful friends and your children are beautiful and healthy and love you. Rest, relax...your day job is challenging enough. Just enjoy your body that you worked hard for and take it easy for a little while. You can gain back your fitness...slow down and breathe girl, slow down and breathe. Its okay.

I love myself. I truly do. Sorting thru the BS in my head brings me back to that realization. Now moving forward until the next time I need to talk to myself and bring me back to the real.

I Grow My Whole Heart For You

The feelings scare me. Trusting my tiny little heart. It's getting bigger but yet remains tiny because I'm so afraid of letting it become enlarged. Enlarged hearts can be squished, deflated, crushed and pierced by folks who are untrustworthy, disrespectful, deceptive and cruel. Can I trust my heart to you? Do I need to fear your love for me? What if you get tired of my love? What if I become ugly to you? What if you find someone else that you love more or gives you the feelings you so desire? I can't control this. I can't control this. I can't control this.
We talk. We be real. We love real...now. We have respect. We admire...one another. You never said that to me...but I know you admire me as I do you. Your passion runs deep for me...I can tell. My heart is yours...well the part that's not too afraid. Daily I'm growing it to give more of it to you. I can see the pain you have experienced and feel it in your eyes. I have made it a purposeful move to protect your heart and not squish it, pierce it or crush it. I don't understand fully how to 'do' this thing, this thing that we do. But I do know that I'm not gonna walk a path of fear. I wanna grow my heart and give it all to you. Our talks. Our love. Our devotion, it's real. It's true. Where oh where did it come from? Where did you come from? How do you create statements that take direct paths to my heart? How do you do that? How do you know before I do, what's in my head? What I'm afraid of? How do you do that? How do you love me like that? I grow my whole heart for you.

Much (A Letter To A Friend)

I understand what you mean when you say "...I feel like a good mom should sacrifice her own personal desires and comforts in favor of her kids'." I still struggle with this thought even having made the choice that I did. I feel torn about all of my decisions still and I'm saddened by my 5 year olds questions about leaving his dad. And I question if my 4 year olds aggression is due to just the life change that has/is taking place in her little world.

What I do know tho even amidst all the trials, transition and pain of the last year and some months... I am stronger, happier and capable of way more than I ever imagined. I know that when things do settle down I'm going to be a really great mother and have loads to offer them because I'm happier and have faith and confidence in myself and I'm better at giving to others.

Also tho...the stress of divorce, money, time, jobs etc...has added a tremendous amount of stress to my life. I've had a lot of unfortunate situations occur with my living situation and with my transportation that has honestly been the most stressful. I think if things had worked out where I didnt have to move so many times....I would have had less stress and in turn been a better mom. Losing my vehicle and just the traffic accidents due to stress/lack of concentration has created more stress.

I do feel tho that I am sacrificing this time of life in their lives and disrupting their life because of my choices. Would I have left their dad still knowing what I know now?? I still think I would have. I found someone. A very strong, kind man who has proven himself to me and is trustworthy and loves my children. I had no intention of getting into any kind of relationship and questioned it...especially since I'm not divorced or legally separated yet. I struggle with feeling like I'm disrespecting my ex....but I think I'm beyond that probably since I left him. But I forget I do deserve to be happy and I didn't plan to meet anyone yet I did.

So much has happened and still is happening (another story for another day...) and this new man, been there in so many ways that I've never experienced. We have passion. I've never had passion before. Not just romantically or sexually, but yes those are good and way better than I ever imagined...but emotionally and in our conversations. That was something I lacked and never felt entitled too. Having gotten married at 21 and just grabbing the first guy who was stable and nice...I settled. I did settle well. He was/is kind, loving, stable....but we were friends. I got to the point where I wanted to die...really. I knew I needed to leave. I do feel guilt daily but its lessening as time goes by and as things settle.

You should be happy. Perhaps theres a way he can remain engaged with your kids and you guys can come to some sort of agreement where you live separate and divorced. Or depending on how open you both are maybe and open marriage...I did try and open relationship last year at some point...its very interesting and I did enjoy it for some time...a little nontraditional but oh well-its your life. I also asked the ex to consider that but due to the religious aspect that our marriage was centered around...that suggestion was shot down with fire and brimstone.

Your kids will know if you are "tolerating" their dad. They'll observe your relationship and come to see that as what a relationship should look like....I don't think thats a good example either. I would think that two parents engaged on a regular/consistent basis with their children would be a better example. But thats just my thoughts. Again I struggle with guilt too about most all of this stuff.

I think you deserve to be happy and have your desires met. I think a childs mom modeling happiness is very important...shit life is hard! Our kids need to see us trying to work out life and fight for happiness versus settling for something...but again its a personal choice.

Whatever you decide I'm here. I won't judge you and you can share whatever you want. Its all murky waters and I think each person has to make their own choice cause they have to live with the implication of that choice.

Take care,
B

ps. hope this all makes sense I'm kind of tired and don't want to proofread..sorry..long week and my back is killing me. But if you have ?'s bout any of it feel free to ask. :)

Another reason I chose to leave the time I did was because I realized it would probably be easier when their this age than when their older

Leave Myself Alone

Love and accept yourself as you are?
Why? Why would I do that?
What would it mean if I did?
Would it mean I would stop working on myself?
Settling for "not quite good enough"?
Or perhaps it would mean that you are okay, just the way you are.
Your breasts are perfect.
Your thighs are perfect.
Your nose is perfect.
Your ass is perfect.
Why?
Because the way they are is apart of you!
You with your determination, stubbornness, loving heart and empathetic spirit.
You! A friend, mom, daughter, sister, lover, woman.
Instead of, "small", "large", "ugly", "fat", "not enough"...
You are "okay", "good", "perfect".
How much time?
How much time you must not, will not, should not surrender to knock yourself.
Instead save the time.
Save the time to build into who you really are.
Save the time to build into who you can model for your daughter.
Save the time to build into who you can model for other females...
Who also buy into the bullshit that rules our culture.
Life is too short.
We hear it all the time.
You know it.
You feel it it your heart as true.
Who do you allow to tell you how you should look?
Since when did they control what you determine as beauty?
Your definition of beauty is in you.
Wear it.
Feel it.
Love it.
Embrace it.

Emotional

I miss my children. Because of transportation issues, I ran out of gas on the freeway. I have never done that before. Apparently a fuel pump can freeze up if it happens in the winter hence non working Jeep Cherokee. My children suffer. Their mom suffers. Not enough time spent= sad. One minute I feel so encouraged and hopeful then next, something happens and I feel discouraged.

My ultimate desire is to have my children every other week, completely. Work the other weeks and manage school in between. Realistically thats not going to happen right now. I need to work to make money, I'm fine with that. But I need to work full time to make enough money. I also need to go to school in order to finish my degree and make more  money in the future in order to provide for my children long term. I really screwed myself it seems. All those times I started college and then stopped because it was difficult to balance it with life...I had no idea what "difficult" really was until now.

I am grateful for what I have and for where I'm at. But I'm not going to lie and say its easy...cause its not. I miss my children. Their dad makes 4 to 5 times more than I do financially and he has a reliable vehicle and a large supportive family, these things matter. My kids are ultimately taken care of but not by me, a harsh reality that I have to live with.

I have this weekend with them and every other, I'm grateful. But it seems my desire to have them half of the time will not happen if I have to plan for the future. Again work full time and go to school full time in order for me to take care of them and provide for myself and for them for the future. I need to keep a longterm perspective it seems. How painful this is. I cry a lot. But I am learning to value and appreciate the time I do have with them even more...which I know is good. I fear they think I've abandoned them. Their little hearts- please don't let this be the case. My heart breaks at this thought and I cry heavy, heavy tears. Longterm perspective...thats what I need to keep.

My ultimate desire, longterm desire is that they'll one day know that I didn't abandon them but instead needed to sacrifice my time with them now in order to prepare for our future as a family. Oh how I hope they'll come to understand. I love them so much.

Life really is difficult at times and it seems there always is sacrifice. I won't allow myself to be discouraged or knocked down indefinitely. I will pick myself up, dust myself off and start allover again...many times over.

Scaredy Cat

I felt so inspired and 'ready' just last week to do this blog. But now I'm scared. What's up with that? I'm trying to figure out what the deal is.I think I'm just afraid to be perfectly frank. Just like everything else though in my life I probably need to just walk thru the fear.

At the present, I'm in the middle of a divorce and custody battle. The ex has primarily had the babes the last year as I secured a job and a crib. I told him that I wouldn't try to take his babes from him.

To backtrack a little, another reason I felt comfortable leaving my babes while going to Alaska for a month was/is because the ex's family is huge, loving and stable. His 2 sisters are stay-at-home homeschooling moms with 4 babes each of their own. Not that I was trying to leave my responsibility with them but I knew they would support and provide help where needed. His mother is a pastors wife and doesn't necessarily have a job but instead helps folks where needed. 

I knew my kids were in safe hands.

Positives

August 2009 at 224lbs I started to exercise. I made a committment. I eliminated junk and sweets and Oh so yummy foods from my diet. I substituted salads, steamed chix breasts and water. Exercised EVERY day for atleast 1 hour.

January 2010 weighed in at 170lbs. September 2010 at 160lbs completed a goal I had since I was 19, to complete a triathlon. I finished!!

January 2011, I have 2 more triathlons planned this year, a 200 mile bike ride and a couple of other races in mind for 2011. Down a few more pounds currently, 10-13 to go-we'll see how I feel when I get there. It can be done!

2010 can kiss my ass I'm ready to move on but damn did I learn a lot and damn did I do a lot!

I'm proud of myself.