Monday, November 21, 2011


I enjoy freedom, love, positive and hopeful thinking, and a supportive environment where folks use their postive attributes and skills to share and enhance others lives. I thrive and work my best in this environment. Im also able to give more of myself to others when in an environment of this nature. I generally function this way without thought. And to be perfectly honest I assume and expect others to function the same way. At almost 34 years of age, I'm somewhat ashamed yet kind of appreciate my childlike naivety (its a positive and a negative at times.)

Lately life has been a struggle. Since leaving my past life times have been very rough. However, I've always managed to remain positive and to keep moving forward. I would spend time with my babies and exercise and I would go to work in order to live. I had a few goals in my mind and they have always managed to stay within view so I could see them when intense sadness would hit or guilt would hit. I always, always these last 2 years, bounced back.

Recently a change of events has sent me reeling. Its managed to bring up some pain from my past and in turn has sent me into depression. I can still function but Im not at my best. It has stressed me out. Its affecting my ability to live. Im trying to reconcile it all in my head and through texting my bestfriend but nonetheless I wrestle daily right now.

A person I live with whom Ive extended love to and shared my life with cannot seem to allow me to live in freedom. They have placed what seems like a million expectations (I exaggerate) on me yet refuse to talk to me about any of their wants. They leave and have left little scribbled and vague notes allover the house at times in order to communicate what they feel they need to. Sometimes the notes communicate plans but mostly the notes have communicated issues (in disrespectful verbiage as of late), it seems from my perspective.

The added stress of living with this individual has taken its toll on me. It has brought up feelings in me that I've not felt since living with my family as a child/young teen/young adult. This person and the way they behave is almost my mothers characteristics to a tee, I recognize this. I find this interesting and irritating.

My mother is probably the most disrespectful and illogical person I have ever dealt with. Through many years of counseling sessions, 10+, I and a respected counselor I had have diagnosed my mom with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She seems to fit all the criteria and of course this is my perspective, but I cling to this diagnosis for a couple of reasons. 1) Knowing you are dealing with an irrational, self-absorbed person helps you to remember to keep your business to yourself, especially your true feelings and 2) Perhaps its easier to "shake off" irritating and disrespectful habits they may have and not take them personally. ie. emails that have the intention to make you hurt by ripping you to shreds with hurtful and mean language or vaguely scribbled little notes allover your home. Lastly, 3) Keep your distance, avoid them at all costs. Just because they are unhappy (which is true of the 2 individuals) DO NOT give them the time of day and allow them to bring you down.

This roommate tho has managed to rile me up like my own mother. Ive attempted to discuss the issues with the roommate and to work it out but to be perfectly honest, I just want her gone. What has lead me to these feelings is her overall actions and unwillingness to see any wrong doing she may have had or does have in our living situation and in our interactions. Just like my mom. She recently put her hands on me after I confronted her and that in my opinion is my last straw.

Thinking back to times with my mom, I don't recall her ever touching me after a certain age. She'd uncontrollaby spank me in anger but that only lasted until I think around the age of 13 or something, i can't remember. Her modus operandi was hurtful name calling and character-assassinating words and statements to try to shred me and it usually worked. I recall it would always, always bring me to a deep depression that sometimes made me want to think about dying. I know extreme. But I wanted deeply for everyone to love me and see that I was a good person and a fun and lively, life-lover...especially my mom. I guess I just wanted to be acknowledged by my mom that I was loveable the way I am, nothing more, nothing less.

So this roommate, although they are moving out they will still be in my life due to the relationship they have with the person I'm in love with. I don't know how to handle this entirely yet but I'm thinking it thru tho I will definitely use the three coping strategies that I mentioned above that I have come to with my mother. My Love has affirmed to me that the roommate is crazy and although I know people throw that word around at times to describe others that act crazy, I believe this woman truly does fit the description of "not of sound mind," which in my book means "crazy".