Wednesday, February 2, 2011


I miss my children. Because of transportation issues, I ran out of gas on the freeway. I have never done that before. Apparently a fuel pump can freeze up if it happens in the winter hence non working Jeep Cherokee. My children suffer. Their mom suffers. Not enough time spent= sad. One minute I feel so encouraged and hopeful then next, something happens and I feel discouraged.

My ultimate desire is to have my children every other week, completely. Work the other weeks and manage school in between. Realistically thats not going to happen right now. I need to work to make money, I'm fine with that. But I need to work full time to make enough money. I also need to go to school in order to finish my degree and make more  money in the future in order to provide for my children long term. I really screwed myself it seems. All those times I started college and then stopped because it was difficult to balance it with life...I had no idea what "difficult" really was until now.

I am grateful for what I have and for where I'm at. But I'm not going to lie and say its easy...cause its not. I miss my children. Their dad makes 4 to 5 times more than I do financially and he has a reliable vehicle and a large supportive family, these things matter. My kids are ultimately taken care of but not by me, a harsh reality that I have to live with.

I have this weekend with them and every other, I'm grateful. But it seems my desire to have them half of the time will not happen if I have to plan for the future. Again work full time and go to school full time in order for me to take care of them and provide for myself and for them for the future. I need to keep a longterm perspective it seems. How painful this is. I cry a lot. But I am learning to value and appreciate the time I do have with them even more...which I know is good. I fear they think I've abandoned them. Their little hearts- please don't let this be the case. My heart breaks at this thought and I cry heavy, heavy tears. Longterm perspective...thats what I need to keep.

My ultimate desire, longterm desire is that they'll one day know that I didn't abandon them but instead needed to sacrifice my time with them now in order to prepare for our future as a family. Oh how I hope they'll come to understand. I love them so much.

Life really is difficult at times and it seems there always is sacrifice. I won't allow myself to be discouraged or knocked down indefinitely. I will pick myself up, dust myself off and start allover again...many times over.